


The slow road

by myotishia



Series: A path less walked [3]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Gen, Multi, Other, Suicidal Ideation, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-22 09:01:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22980277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myotishia/pseuds/myotishia
Summary: In the aftermath of Iantos breakdown the team pull together to try and help him.
Relationships: Gwen Cooper/Rhys Williams, Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones, Owen Harper/Toshiko Sato
Series: A path less walked [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1645870
Kudos: 52





	1. The morning after

Ianto felt his stomach lurch as he awoke. His head was pounding and his mouth tasted like he’d been chewing sand. He was still dressed, even if it was just a tee shirt and jogging bottoms, it was still strange. As he swung his legs off the bed and rubbed his eyes he heard quiet voices from down the hallway. He dragged himself to the bedroom door, leaning heavily on the door frame, and listened carefully. 

“Gwen?” He rasped, peeking round. 

She walked out of the kitchen, a warm smile on her face. “Morning. How are you feeling?”

“Um… I don’t remember last night.”

“Oh.” She looked away for a moment before she sighed. “You called me last night and… Well, we found you on the kitchen floor surrounded by pills.”

Hearing those words sparked a memory and he rushed to the bathroom, throwing up what was mostly alcohol. He really had done that. After washing his face and trying to get his head to stop killing him he ventured out.

Gwen handed him a glass of water. “Thought you might need this.”

“Thanks… I’m sorry about last night.”

“It’s fine. I’m glad you called me. Owen’s going to pop by soon and sort some medication for you.”

He sipped the water, not looking forward to seeing anyone else. 

Rhys nodded a hello from the kitchen. “Hungry?”

“Not even a little bit.” He said, squinting at the light beaming through the kitchen window. “Did you both sleep on the sofa?”

“Yep. Wouldn’t be the first time we’ve both crashed on someones sofa. Been a while though.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it mate. Just glad you’re in one piece.”

“Mostly.” He reached up and brushed the bruising running across his face.

A soft knock at the door made Ianto retreat to the living room while Gwen went to answer it. Tosh stood on the doorstep. “Hi.”

“Oh, hello. I thought Owen was coming.”

“He is. He’s just parking. I said it might take me a while to limp here so…”

“Of course, sorry, come in. Ianto’s in the living room. He’s got a hell of a hangover and he’s bruised but he seems a bit better this morning.”

She limped inside. “Owen’s got some safe painkillers and a few other things to help.”

“I’m surprised he’s not complained your ear off about being on your feet.”

“He has been.” She chuckled softly. “But it’s really not that bad. Just sore. How are you feeling?”

“Me? I’m ok. I didn’t sleep yesterday but I managed to drop off last night.”

“I was awake on and off all night. I kept having nightmares.”

“Yea… We’ll be having those for a while I suppose.” She rubbed at her wrists. “I’m going to have to clear out the fridge when I get home. Just looking at anything meat based makes my stomach churn.”

“I’ve just been trying to think of other things. Toast isn’t the worst thing to have right now.”

“That sounds nice. Let me grab Rhys and we’ll be off.” 

Ianto gave Tosh a soft smile, though it didn’t meet his eyes. “I never apologised for shouting at you when we were in that cellar. I’m sorry.”

“It was a stressful situation. Anyway, sometimes we all feel like that. It isn’t an easy job.”

“Still… How’s your leg?”

“Sore, but it’s dressed so it’ll be fine. A few little scars won't do me any harm.”

“How do you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Stay positive when everything’s falling apart.”

“I…. Well, I just try and find one good thing to really hold on to. That and at least I have people who care about me.”

“I wish I could feel like that.”

“But we care about you.”

“And you could have died.”

“But I didn’t. We’re both still here. I know things feel dark right now but it does get better. I promise… The nightmares fade with time. You find meaning in other things, other people, and eventually you start being able to see the light again. I’ve been in that dark place… So has Owen. You think his drinking’s bad now, back then he’d have days where he just didn’t stop. He only slowed down when me and Jack had to rush him to hospital with alcohol poisoning. I think he saw me crying and it shocked him.”

He thought about the stack of bottles sitting in the recycling bin. “I’m trying.”

“I know.”

“I’m just… I’m a bad person.” 

“What? No you’re not. You’re one of the sweetest people I know.”

“I held you at gunpoint.”

“You were scared. You were just trying to protect Lisa.”

He lent heavily on his knees, running his fingers through his hair. “I… I think I was trying to protect myself… I loved her, I really did… Just over time it got harder to… To see her like I did.”

She moved to sit next to him, rubbing his back softly. “That’s understandable. You gave up so much to care for her so you’re bound to have doubts sometimes. The truth is you stayed with her. You never gave up. Even if you didn’t feel the same way as you did before, you still loved her.”

Owen slid his bag down from his shoulder, making a mental note to get the broken lock on Iantos door replaced. The smell of alcohol had faded to just hanging around the recycling bin but he could recognise that smell from three streets away. 

“I would have been faster but the parking’s shit around here.” He stated. “First thing we need to get rid of that hangover.”

“M’not hungry.” Ianto mumbled. 

“Good for you but I’m not talking about a fry up.” He showed an injector.

“What’s that?”

“Wide spectrum antidote and a painkiller. I need you to think clearly.”

Ianto didn’t fight it. If he was honest the painkiller would be appreciated. His bruised ribs ached and the bridge of his nose pulsed. His headache eased almost immediately. Though the sudden clarity in his mind was very much not welcome, visions of Lisas body being covered, blood spilling out across the floor, mixing with the nightmarish cellar. He clenched his jaw, desperately trying to push the thoughts away. 

Owen crouched in front of him. “Ianto. What were you thinking?”

“There’s no other way out. You don’t leave Torchwood. Even when you die your body gets put into storage. It’s like you’ve sold your soul.”

“If you wanted to just walk away tomorrow Jack wouldn’t stop you.”

“That’s not the problem! Torchwood becomes part of you. You can’t just forget everything you’ve seen, the people you’ve lost. It stains you.”

“And what does killing yourself change in that? It doesn’t make anything better. It just leaves the rest of us grieving one more friend. Jack nearly threw a fit when I told him about Gwen calling me last night.”

“What does he care?”

“More than you think. He won’t say anything but he’s still beating himself up over not noticing anything was wrong. He took the conversion unit apart on his own. He broke one of those villagers finger just to find out where you’d been taken.”

He finally looked up, startled. “He what?”

“Oh yea. Held his face in the mud and snapped the poor bastards finger because he wouldn’t tell us where you’d been taken.” Owen decided to keep the fact that Jack had acted like this was something he’d done a million times before to himself. “The tractor was his idea too.” 

“Why am I having so much trouble believing that?”

“Depression does that. That and the untreated PTSD. It messes with your perception of everything.”

“I need it to stop.”

“That’s why I’m here to help. Now, being as you wouldn’t let the paramedics anywhere near you the other night, I need to see what the damage is. Come on.” He stood and pointed to the door. 

“Right then, nothing’s broken, just really badly bruised. Try and sleep on your back for a bit until the bruising on your ribs goes down. Other than that, you’re still vitamin D deficient so I’ll add that to your prescription. Once you’re up to it you need to start going outside in the daytime a bit more. I’ve doubled your dose of the sertraline. If it hasn’t been making you dizzy or nauseous then you should be fine but those side effects could still crop up. And no more alcohol. If I find out you’ve been buying any more I will take your ID.” Owen said, scribbling down notes as Ianto pulled his shirt back on. 

“I won’t. I think I’m done drinking”

“Good.”

“What now?”

“Hmm?”

“I don’t know what’s going to happen now.”

“What do you want to happen?”

He shrugged. “I’ve spent so long just trying to save Lisa that I don’t know what I’m meant to do with my life now.”

“That’s not something I can tell you. Just live day by day until you find something. Go out. Get laid.”

“It’s too soon.”

“I’m not telling you to date. Just fulfil a physical need, get close to another human being, top up your endorphins. Just don’t lock yourself away because your brain’s feeding you the usual bullshit.”

Ianto looked to the floor. “I can’t.”

“It’s up to you but whatever you end up doing you have to go somewhere other than here or the hub.”

“I need to go shopping.”

He paused, caught off guard. “What?”

“The fridge is empty.”

“When was the last time you ate?”

“Before we left for the beacons.”

“Bloody hell. No wonder you’re feeling like crap.” He placed his notes on the side table. “I’ll go and get you what you need. I can grab your prescription while I’m out.”

“You don’t have t-”

“Yes I do. Otherwise you won’t eat and we’ll have even bigger problems. Plus Jack’ll kill you… Then me.”

“He’s not going to be checking on me, is he?”

“Tomorrow he is.”

“He doesn’t usually bother at work.”

Owen scoffed. “You think you’re going to be back at work tomorrow? Not likely.”

“What? Why?”

“You’re in no state to work and Jack said he wants a word anyway.”

“But I’ll be fine by then.”

“You listen to me Ianto Jones! I’ve been where you are and you are the opposite of fine. If Gwen hadn’t marched over here last night what would have happened, eh? You wouldn’t be sitting here now, you’d be on my table. I haven’t fucking slept yet because I was worried sick about you. I was ready to drop my work and rush over here if you had taken any of those pills! Do you know why? Because I know what it’s like to wake up on the kitchen floor, throwing up pills and alcohol while your whole body screams at you. I wasn’t fine then and you sure as hell aren't fine now!” Owen looked the man dead in the eye, almost shaking.

“Owen… I didn’t…”

“Sorry… Sorry.”

“No. Y-you’re right… You should sleep.”

“I would if I could. Right now I've got shopping to do. Just keep Tosh company until I get back.” 


	2. saying goodbye

After lunch Owen hunkered down in a chair, falling asleep after his almost forty eight hour stint without it. Tosh smiled fondly at him as he snored softly before turning back to Ianto.

“Have you managed to store Lisas things away?” She asked in almost a whisper.

“Not yet.”

“Maybe it would help. I could put things in boxes for you.”

“I suppose it’s better than doing nothing.” He stood and walked to his bedroom, grabbing a folded box that he’d left in the hallway ready to do this exact job. He’d been avoiding it. As if putting her things in storage was forgetting her. 

Tosh followed and sat on the end of the bed, taking the box and building it. “Where should we start?”

“Her draw I suppose.” He pulled one of the draws from the dresser and placed it on the bed. It was full but neatly organised. “I always thought she’d come back here one day so I kept everything tidy for her. She always thought it was silly to organise clothes.” He picked up the small stack of neatly folded shirts and placed them in the box. Underneath was a small jewellery box. It was an understated, red velvet covered box with a heart shaped clasp holding it closed. He sighed deeply and added it to the cardboard box. “I could never really accept that anything had changed. I just pretended like she was out for the night and she’d be back soon. I never let it sink in.”

“That must have been so lonely.”

“Sometimes… In the early days I’d sometimes spend all night just sitting with her. We’d talk about what we’d do when she was better. We wanted to move away from the city, maybe get a dog or a cat or something. She’d always end up crying.” He moved some more of the items into the box. “The crying stopped a couple of months ago. Even before then she stopped getting excited about the future. I told myself she was just depressed. On her bad days she’d look at me and… There was nothing there. She was so cold and she didn’t sound like herself.”

“Ianto, it’s ok to have had doubts.”

“Those days I’d hang around the hub just to hear you all talking. It was like I wasn’t alone. I even started to enjoy Jacks ridiculous stories. I swear if I wasn’t around he would be a constant mess.” He smiled for a moment but it quickly faded. He emptied the rest of the draw and placed it back in its original place.

“We all would be. Before you joined us Mondays were chaos and don’t get me started on how difficult it was to find anything that had been archived.” She moved the box and patted the spot next to her on the bed for him to sit. “I know everyone can be very… Boisterous. So it was nice to have someone else who was quiet around. You brought a little balance and stability to the hub. I can’t speak for anyone else but I appreciate it. Maybe I haven’t said it enough but I really do appreciate everything you do.” 

Ianto bit his lip, trying to hold back tears. Part of him had allowed itself to see a spark of hope for his future in that moment. “Thanks.”

“Oh I’m sorry. I’m making you upset.”

“No. No, I just… Today is a lot.”

“Take all the time you need. Is there anything else?” She looked around the room, that was clearly kept tidy most of the time even if the laundry needed to be done, spotting a makeup case sat next to the wardrobe. “The short time I spent with Lisa I didn’t take her for the makeup type.”

“She used to be. Every morning when she got ready for work she’d spend ages. I always said she didn’t need it but I think she just liked the routine. It’s probably all expired now.”

“It’s sweet that you kept it all for her.”

He walked over to the case and picked it up, the long settled scent of powder and perfume wafting up like Lisas ghost had brushed past his face. He placed the case in the box. “What do I do with this now?”

“You could store it or…”

“Or?”

“Well, I know she can’t be put to rest but… Maybe you could either bury it in her stead, or place it with her. You saved it all for her for this long. Maybe she’d like to have it with her. It could be a good way to say goodbye.”

He stared down at the box. His girlfriends whole life boiled down to the contents of a single cardboard box. He thought he’d saved so much more but over time things had been lost… It said everything. Somewhere along the line she’d lost herself and he’d lost the woman he fell in love with. He’d just been holding on to a memory. 

“It’s time to let go.” He breathed. “Tosh… I can’t expect you to say yes but… Could you take this and wherever she’s put… Just make sure it’s all with her.”

“Of course I will. This will help you start to grieve properly. I’m sure of it.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll take it with me when Jack picks me up later. He’s worried about me walking around.”

“I said some horrible things to him… He didn’t even want me to apologise but I still feel like I should.”

“I’m sure he understands.”

“But he shouldn’t.”

“You just need to talk it over with him. He’s leaving us in charge to stay with you tomorrow.” 

The knot in Iantos stomach returned with a vengeance. 

Ianto settled to an uneasy sleep that night, realising that the soft scent of Lisas perfume has left with the box that held it. He was exhausted so actually dropping off in of itself hadn’t been the biggest problem. He found himself with the smell of a butchers shop filling the air as he stepped barefoot across cold cobblestone. Surrounded by plastic curtains that moved as if disturbed by a breeze, he couldn’t see which way was out. He could see shadows cast across the plastic, shifting and moving much too quickly to keep in his line of sight. His heart pounded in his head. He needed to get out. Far off he heard Tosh scream in pain and found himself sprinting towards the sound. He fought against the plastic sheeting until he stumbled and fell, crashing onto the dirt. He could feel something cold running down his face and looked up to see a river of crimson. He cried out and fought desperately to escape the plastic being wrapped around his legs. 

“Ianto!... Ianto wake up!” Owen caught Iantos fist before it connected with his face. “Take it easy, it’s me. 

His eyes darted around the room, disorientated. “Wh-where am I? What happened I…”

“It’s a nightmare. You fell out of bed.” 

“I..” He looked down to see the duvet wrapped around his legs. The glass of water that had been on his bedside table was laying on the floor, a small puddle under where his face had been. “I thought… Oh god.” 

“Come on, let’s get you off the floor.” Owen took Iantos arm and helped him up, sitting him on the edge of the bed. 

“How did you know?”

“I heard you. I’d just walked in when you hit the floor.”

“Sorry.”

“What for? You need to stop apologising for existing.” 

“I… So-... Damn it.” 

Owen sighed and sat. “Ok, so who was it? Mum or dad?”

“What?”

“Which parent was a piece of shit? That’s usually why people apologise for existing.”

Ianto stared at the floor. “My dad.”

“You don’t owe him anything, you know that don’t you?”

“I know… It’s not like he’s around anymore. Bastard drank himself to death. He hated everything about me but he was happy for me to keep a roof over his head.”

“Shitty people will always be shitty. It doesn’t matter what you do. You could have been everything he wanted you to be and he still would have treated you like crap. Just be yourself.”

“Why are you trying to be nice now? I mean you act like such a twat all the time.”

“I’m just like that. You’re my friend, even if sometimes I give you grief. Same as everyone else. You think I don’t give Jack the same?”

Ianto laughed bitterly. “I keep running over everything that’s happened since I got to Torchwood three in my head and I feel like I was living in a different world to everyone else.” 

“Stop overthinking everything, christ. Time to start living. But for now, go back to sleep. I’ve got work in the morning.” Owen stood and wandered to the door.

“Thanks… For everything.”

“Yea, well.” He smiled and walked off to go and crash on the sofa. 


	3. the first step

Ianto managed to sleep the rest of the night without issue, waking to the alarm he’d forgotten to switch off. He rolled out of bed, picking up the abandoned glass from the night before as he went past. Owen was still asleep, arms crossed, on the sofa. He’d probably slept like this a million times on call but it couldn’t be good for him. Ianto continued with his usual routine, coffee, breakfast, shower, get dressed. Like clockwork. He could shut his brain off and just follow the routine. It only broke when he went to get dressed. He was having to dig into clothing he hadn’t worn in over a year. He’d spent every day trying to look the part so he’d neglected that side of his wardrobe. He pulled on a tee shirt and jeans, hoping that he looked like he was making at least a little effort. He didn’t know why. Maybe he was trying to prove he was a bit better. Maybe he was trying to feel more normal. It wasn’t as if he had anyone to impress. 

A solid knock on the door made him jump, hearing Owen curse to himself from the living room. He heard him march from the living room and answer the door.

“Morning.” Jack smiled. 

He gave a blank look. “You’re too loud for this time of morning. I thought you weren’t going to be here for another hour.”

“I was in the neighbourhood.”

“Like hell you were. Ianto’s getting dressed. I think I heard the shower a while ago.”

Jack lowered his voice to almost a whisper. “How’s he holding up?”

“He had a few nightmares last night but his mood’s a bit more stable. Putting Lisas stuff away was a big step.”

“Tosh made sure it got where it needed to be. The rift’s quiet so you should have an easy day. Janet and Myfanwy’ve both been fed. Other than that, don’t let the place blow up.”

“I promise nothing.” He smirked, going to gather his things. 

“You’re looking better.” Jack said softly as Ianto entered the living room. 

“It’s the shower.” 

“Sure it is… You scared me.”

Ianto sat, sighing. “It’s not as if I was trying to.”

“I know, but … I wish you’d talk to me. I want to help you.”

“You’re my boss. It’s not that easy… I spent so long keeping secrets that… It’s a hard habit to break.” 

“Ianto, I’m your friend. If you keep everything bottled up there’s nothing I can do. You said that I didn’t care about you but I do. I care about all of you.”

“You have a funny way of showing it.”

“I have to protect innocent people. I have to make those decisions even if they hurt. I have no other option.” 

He looked to the floor. “So… I heard what happened with one of the villagers.”

“Huh?”

“Your interrogation methods.”

“Oh… Yea.” Jack stood and looked out of the window. “I needed the information quickly.”

“So where did you learn that?”

“I’m not proud of everything in my past, but it saved your life so I don’t regret it.”

“This is my problem. You expect me to be honest but how much do I really know about you? You’re always talking but you never say anything. Anything you do let slip doesn’t make any sense. We don’t know you at all.”

“That’s a good thing.”

“At least if you were honest about something then maybe we could be honest with you. You don’t have an address outside of the hub, you have no date of birth, no family listed, nothing. There are pictures in the archive that look just like you but there’s no way they could be. They’re too old. Why do I find your name throughout Torchwood history? Is it a code name or something?”

“You’ve been doing your homework.”

“Jack-”

“There are things about me you don’t need to know but… Jack Harkness is my real name. I earned my title in the air force and I’ve been working with Torchwood for a long time.” He turned to face Ianto. “My date of birth isn’t on my paperwork because I don’t remember it. Happy? You now know more about me than ninety per cent of the human race.”

“And that’s how you live your life, is it?”

“I have to.”

“Why?”

“This isn’t about me! Is anything I know about you true?”

Ianto bit his lip nervously. “Most of it. I’m sure you saw my name of the list of survivors so my job at Torchwood one isn’t a secret. It was all office work. I was just an assistant. Yvonne was-”

“Ianto… You said I never tried to help any of you after the fall… Yvonne was exactly why. She didn’t want anything to do with Torchwood three. Granted, I didn’t agree with their methods or how things were run, but she was the one who kept everything to herself. She saw us as a dumping ground. To her we were just playing chasing aliens in the dark, so when Canary wharf happened I was locked out of accessing anything that could let me help. Other than a list of names that lead to empty addresses and long dead personnel files I had nothing. The only reason the government stepped in at all was because Elizabeth told them they had to.”

“Elizabeth?”

“The queen. The government aren’t fans of Torchwood so she had to pull a few strings. If I kept digging and pushing at them I wouldn’t be able to help people as much as I do right now. You know that. You’ve been in the meetings… But it’s no excuse.”

“I shouldn’t have said that. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

He sat on the sofa next to Ianto. “Maybe not but you were being honest. I understand why you hid her. There were people I’ve known who I might have even done the same for.”

“Sorry.”

“So, are you going to stay?”

“What?”

“With Torchwood. You don’t need us anymore and… If you want to go I won’t chase you. You could get a fresh start somewhere away from all of this.”

He shook his head. “Torchwood’s part of me whether I like it or not. There’s no starting again. I just have to move forward. Like everyone's been telling me, I need to move on and stop clinging to the past.”

“I don’t just mean about Lisa. Everything that’s happened-”

“I know. It’s not going to be easy and I don’t know when I’m going to be able to sleep peacefully again but… I feel more like I can do this.”

Jack smiled, seeming almost relieved. Owens advice drifted through Iantos thoughts and in a rush of living for the here and now he leaned forward and kissed Jack. 

The captain blinked, surprised. “You just kissed me.”

“I did.”

“I didn’t know you were even interested.”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.” 

“Right… So, where do you want to go from here?”

Ianto shrugged. “We both have needs… I mean, if you’re interested.”

“It kills me to ask this, but are you sure you’re in the right state of mind right now? I’m not going to take advantage.”

“I’m not going to regret it tomorrow. It’s just physical.”

“Just physical.”

“Is that a problem?”

“No. Not a problem.” 


End file.
